Sunday. 8.1.10 2:44 am
I know things are going to get better, then worse, and then better again...I just wish my dad were here to help. Some days are easier than others and to be honest I can't even follow or decipher some type of pattern. I think sometimes it just hits and it's hard. The one thing I want is just a simple hug. Mainly from him, but with that not being possible I guess anything would suffice. The other part of me wants nothing to do with people and to just be away for a while.
I laugh and smile because I know he never wanted anything other than my happiness and well being, but I guess I'm hitting that guilty stage of the grieving process. I want to be happy, but feel so guilty for doing so. He's not here to see it. It's one thing to experience break ups or dissolving friendships, but to know that I will never see him again is really starting to take its toll. The first month just seems like he was gone on vacation and that he should be walking through the front door at any moment. Not that I was living in denial, but it didn't hit me that I won't be able to just hear him laugh anymore. Just still doesn't even seem real. I got lost the other day when I was driving back from Seattle and I picked up my phone and held down "3" because that is his speed dial number on my phone...I would ALWAYS call him whenever I was lost and he ALWAYS helped me find my way back. I know little things like that will happen probably for the rest of my life, but it's those things that really make me sad.
It's been awhile since I've actually gotten sad, don't really know why tonight upset me so much, but I guess it's just continuing this process of hopefully finding the peace I need. He was such a huge part of my life, so now it's my turn to utilize everything he taught me! Well the good examples at least, some of his decisions were a little crooked, but he meant well :) Anyways, please go hug people, tell them you love them.
I love you allll and one of these days I'll write about everything I'm happy about, and there are good things happening...just gotta get past the guilt!
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Monday. 7.5.10 4:57 am
I keep typing out these long posts, but my head is sort of all over the place...so I'll wait it out a little bit.
Once things calm down, I'll probably be able to sort my thoughts, but until then I need to figure out all the legal/financial side of things, then I'll be a train wreck!
Thank you again Nutang for all of the love and support. I really can't express how grateful I am for you guys!
I love you dad! Wish you were here this weekend, but I know you're making somebody laugh wherever you are!
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